Equilibrium
At what point will I be able to reach a balanced state of emotions? Every time I think I've found an equilibrium, I get completely thrown off by some event that I think I should've been able to handle. It takes days sometimes to get back on track. I haven't updated in a while, and some things have happened since I last wrote that have affected me significantly.
Wednesday, Thursday, and the beginning of Friday, I felt very, very sick, for reasons I can't explain. I was on the verge of throwing up for the first two days. I skipped English on Wednesday because I didn't have the work done and I was about to pass out after math, which I should've skipped. I went to Engineering because I felt a little bit better after sleeping, but that was also a mistake. I couldn't avoid taking the math test on Thursday, though, which I think I did horribly on because I couldn't think at all while I was doing it. It's a good thing that the simple stuff is like a second nature to me. Friday I slept through all my classes, and everything was better; the evening was even fun.
I finished Ender's Game on Tuesday. That book is incredible; so incredible, in fact, that I ordered the whole series from Amazon. Since those weren't due to arrive for some time, I picked up Heinlein's "Starship Troopers" from the library, which was recommended to me by a friend I've never met in person. It was no mistake; that book is very good. It saved me from hours of boredom lying around, sick. I love reading fiction. Good fiction lets me transcend into the world the author creates, essentially controlling my senses unless I get interrupted. Reading is a much better distraction than video games, and I've got plenty of it to do, since I intend to read all of Orson Scott Card and Robert Heinlein. This will take me all four years, I'm guessing. It's good to have a healthy distraction, though.
Anyways, that's the future. The present is what's affecting me now. Our "gang" is great; it's full of great people. Chris, Styck, Ryan, Jeff, Tom, Madeline, Meghan, and sometimes Brennan. Matt has sort of drifted away, and Nate is sort of a satellite. It's because of his attitude, I think—you can't share things with him. He's a drinker, too, although he doesn't hammer himself every weekend. But all of the real gang, except Styck, who's on vacation (the lucky bastard is on a cruise with his family), and Brennan, who joined us later, watched Anchorman in Madeline and Meghan's room, and then we read the strange stories in Cosmopolitan out loud, which was one of the funniest experiences I've had with friends. I'm proud to have been the MST3K representative. I guess it's funnier when you're with friends, because you're already comfortable. I didn't intend to sleep over, but I did anyways, and I got four hours of painful sleep because I was wearing jeans. That was 0400 to 0800; we were done with Cosmopolitan by midnight. For four hours, we realized that we could say things and not be judged for them; we asked questions (how often do you have members of the opposite sex willing to answer all your questions?), shared embarrassing stories, laughed at and with each other and ourselves, and discussed a little bit of philosophy, sort of. I learned that it's a good idea to tell someone if you like them. I still won't. I can't. But my time there, as happy as it made me, reminded me of bad things. My family situation was brought up; I hope Jonathan's doing alright. I'll see him at Thanksgiving break this Wednesday. The February incident was brought up. I almost cried in front of people; that needs to stop; that's not going to happen again; that will never happen again, I swear. No one will see me cry from emotional pain. Never. I'm a man. Things like that don't make me cry. They all told me not to be so cynical and pessimistic about things, but what choice do I have? No one knows the troubles I've seen (none of them, anyways), and I have to admit, I'm slightly bitter from experience. You can't just tell people everything. You can't tell a good friend that you like them, because if they don't like you back, the relationship becomes awkward, and there's no returning to that wonderful thing you had before. I won't. They can't convince me to do it. Besides, telling someone that you like them takes about a week of working up the courage. I don't want to risk a friendship, especially not this one. I wish it was reciprocated and she would make the move. That's impossible, though. It always is. Always.
Then we went skating on Saturday, for three hours. Chris is very attracted to Madeline, and even though it's obvious to most of us, Madeline, who is not single, appears to be in the dark. Drama! So while we were skating, a large portion of the time, Chris was standing or sitting alone, thinking. I talked to him about it, and he admitted to liking her, and after our group talk Friday night (Saturday morning), he wants to tell her, and he was thinking of what to say. I wished him luck, told him he's a much braver man than I am. I don't think he's said anything yet, but we'll find out soon enough. We went to Berkshire again, and it was again indeed delicious. A few of us (Chris, Madeline, Tom, Jeff, Ryan, myself) watched Equilibrium while Alan and Brennan tried to teach Meghan how to solder so she could fix her necklace. It worked, but they broke the little clasp thing so it won't open now. They used my broken glasses to practice on. The new ones are going to cost $250. I'm going to buy a pair of ice skates, since it'll be cheaper than renting ones that hurt my feet every week for four years. We didn't go to the hockey game. After the movie, I went back to my room, and I haven't seen anyone since.
So it seems that everything's in balance, but it's not. I wish it could be. I haven't written the paper, and an email I got from my teacher almost made me cry. She seems to actually care about me, as a person. She's offered to listen if I need to talk about anything that's going on. I really wanted to go to class on Wednesday because I wanted to talk about Ender's Game. I need to write the paper twice now (both drafts). I want vacation to be now, so I can stop worrying. I want the work to be done, because I don't like not doing the work for that class, but I've got a headache now, so I can't really write the paper. I missed a lot of work. I hate it! I hate doing this for my favorite teacher; it hurts me because it's like an insult to her. And I'm remembering things I really, really don't want to remember, but I was reminded of them Friday night (Saturday morning), and I can't get them out of my head, and the stress builds up in my head, I can't tell someone something I need to tell them, things are so out of balance that all I can do is listen to music and read books and play video games because it distracts me enough to keep me sane.
I guess I'll look for some Advil and start this paper. I miss a few people from home. I hope to see them this week.
Wednesday, Thursday, and the beginning of Friday, I felt very, very sick, for reasons I can't explain. I was on the verge of throwing up for the first two days. I skipped English on Wednesday because I didn't have the work done and I was about to pass out after math, which I should've skipped. I went to Engineering because I felt a little bit better after sleeping, but that was also a mistake. I couldn't avoid taking the math test on Thursday, though, which I think I did horribly on because I couldn't think at all while I was doing it. It's a good thing that the simple stuff is like a second nature to me. Friday I slept through all my classes, and everything was better; the evening was even fun.
I finished Ender's Game on Tuesday. That book is incredible; so incredible, in fact, that I ordered the whole series from Amazon. Since those weren't due to arrive for some time, I picked up Heinlein's "Starship Troopers" from the library, which was recommended to me by a friend I've never met in person. It was no mistake; that book is very good. It saved me from hours of boredom lying around, sick. I love reading fiction. Good fiction lets me transcend into the world the author creates, essentially controlling my senses unless I get interrupted. Reading is a much better distraction than video games, and I've got plenty of it to do, since I intend to read all of Orson Scott Card and Robert Heinlein. This will take me all four years, I'm guessing. It's good to have a healthy distraction, though.
Anyways, that's the future. The present is what's affecting me now. Our "gang" is great; it's full of great people. Chris, Styck, Ryan, Jeff, Tom, Madeline, Meghan, and sometimes Brennan. Matt has sort of drifted away, and Nate is sort of a satellite. It's because of his attitude, I think—you can't share things with him. He's a drinker, too, although he doesn't hammer himself every weekend. But all of the real gang, except Styck, who's on vacation (the lucky bastard is on a cruise with his family), and Brennan, who joined us later, watched Anchorman in Madeline and Meghan's room, and then we read the strange stories in Cosmopolitan out loud, which was one of the funniest experiences I've had with friends. I'm proud to have been the MST3K representative. I guess it's funnier when you're with friends, because you're already comfortable. I didn't intend to sleep over, but I did anyways, and I got four hours of painful sleep because I was wearing jeans. That was 0400 to 0800; we were done with Cosmopolitan by midnight. For four hours, we realized that we could say things and not be judged for them; we asked questions (how often do you have members of the opposite sex willing to answer all your questions?), shared embarrassing stories, laughed at and with each other and ourselves, and discussed a little bit of philosophy, sort of. I learned that it's a good idea to tell someone if you like them. I still won't. I can't. But my time there, as happy as it made me, reminded me of bad things. My family situation was brought up; I hope Jonathan's doing alright. I'll see him at Thanksgiving break this Wednesday. The February incident was brought up. I almost cried in front of people; that needs to stop; that's not going to happen again; that will never happen again, I swear. No one will see me cry from emotional pain. Never. I'm a man. Things like that don't make me cry. They all told me not to be so cynical and pessimistic about things, but what choice do I have? No one knows the troubles I've seen (none of them, anyways), and I have to admit, I'm slightly bitter from experience. You can't just tell people everything. You can't tell a good friend that you like them, because if they don't like you back, the relationship becomes awkward, and there's no returning to that wonderful thing you had before. I won't. They can't convince me to do it. Besides, telling someone that you like them takes about a week of working up the courage. I don't want to risk a friendship, especially not this one. I wish it was reciprocated and she would make the move. That's impossible, though. It always is. Always.
Then we went skating on Saturday, for three hours. Chris is very attracted to Madeline, and even though it's obvious to most of us, Madeline, who is not single, appears to be in the dark. Drama! So while we were skating, a large portion of the time, Chris was standing or sitting alone, thinking. I talked to him about it, and he admitted to liking her, and after our group talk Friday night (Saturday morning), he wants to tell her, and he was thinking of what to say. I wished him luck, told him he's a much braver man than I am. I don't think he's said anything yet, but we'll find out soon enough. We went to Berkshire again, and it was again indeed delicious. A few of us (Chris, Madeline, Tom, Jeff, Ryan, myself) watched Equilibrium while Alan and Brennan tried to teach Meghan how to solder so she could fix her necklace. It worked, but they broke the little clasp thing so it won't open now. They used my broken glasses to practice on. The new ones are going to cost $250. I'm going to buy a pair of ice skates, since it'll be cheaper than renting ones that hurt my feet every week for four years. We didn't go to the hockey game. After the movie, I went back to my room, and I haven't seen anyone since.
So it seems that everything's in balance, but it's not. I wish it could be. I haven't written the paper, and an email I got from my teacher almost made me cry. She seems to actually care about me, as a person. She's offered to listen if I need to talk about anything that's going on. I really wanted to go to class on Wednesday because I wanted to talk about Ender's Game. I need to write the paper twice now (both drafts). I want vacation to be now, so I can stop worrying. I want the work to be done, because I don't like not doing the work for that class, but I've got a headache now, so I can't really write the paper. I missed a lot of work. I hate it! I hate doing this for my favorite teacher; it hurts me because it's like an insult to her. And I'm remembering things I really, really don't want to remember, but I was reminded of them Friday night (Saturday morning), and I can't get them out of my head, and the stress builds up in my head, I can't tell someone something I need to tell them, things are so out of balance that all I can do is listen to music and read books and play video games because it distracts me enough to keep me sane.
I guess I'll look for some Advil and start this paper. I miss a few people from home. I hope to see them this week.
posted by Andrew Hills at 10:25 AM
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