Toy Soldiers, Part Two

We find the people of our dreams
We find that they're not what they seem
I've learned that people come and go
I've learned that families break and grow
Toy soldiers brave away those tears
Toy soldiers hope for better years

I don't even know where to start. Do you understand the ridiculous power of the words you don't say? I don't. Well, I didn't. I still don't, but I am beginning to realize it as I observe the damage.

You'll need a quick briefing. Four major events dominate the situation; I list them here in reverse order of effectiveness in controlling my current mood and disposition.

1. I finished the hardest, most challenging, and most fun semester I've ever had.
2. One of my favorite professors asked me individually to do research with him and hinted that this could not only last throughout my undergraduate career, but also pave the way for graduate school here.
3. Someone thought it would be a great idea to smash my passenger window and tear out the entire center panel trying to remove a radio with an eject button and did so.
4. I hurt someone and I didn't even fucking know it until it was too late and I can't seem to get them back no matter how hard I try and it's been driving me fucking insane all last night and all morning this morning and I didn't even fucking sleep, well, I slept, but fuck if it did me any good because I woke up feeling a lot fucking worse than when I went to bed, like I didn't get any fucking sleep, because I practically didn't, I just sat there restless and just appeared six hours later and more fucking tired because these things are stressful, you know?, and they just take a lot out of you, especially when you fucking KNOW you're the asshole and you KNOW you can't fix it and you KNOW you'll never do it again now that you feel this way but how the fuck can you prove that to someone you might as well just have stabbed in the fucking eye? Well, fuck, I might as well have just stabbed someone in the fucking eye. Do you know how to lose a friend in five minutes? I know now. All it takes is poor judgment, poor fucking judgment. Five minutes is all it takes to prepare yourself for an hour of meaningless bullshit and a night of restless sleep and a wasted morning and now early afternoon filled with regret.

So, there you have it: a completely objective description of four controlling circumstances.

"You can't do this without putting in the bad and the ugly as well as what is beautiful. Because if it is all beautiful you can't believe in it. Things aren't that way."

Again, and again, and again, and again. I lose every time I think, "I've GOT it!" Maybe this time, I can chalk it up to inexperience. See, up until this point, I've viewed people just like everything else in life: tasks. Problems with solutions. With other guys, that works just fine. It's just an open-ended set of problems and solutions. Everything is discrete. This is the first time I've ever had a relationship outside of that paradigm, something continuous, and I suppose I just don't understand continuous real-time data. The interaction is inexplicable, and now it's like closure is being forced on me and I'm trying to resist it with everything. It's cold, so cold, and the snow outside isn't helping. It coats everything in a blanket of death. That's sort of what it's like. The slow but sure realization of exactly what is happening and what has happened and what I can't do is like being buried naked in the snow. How long until the heart slows to a stop? Where can I get some epinephrine?

You know, normally I have someone that I can go to when I feel like absolute shit. Now I've lost that connection. I'm wandering in a strange sort of haze. I think it's best to just let this settle for now. I think. Inaction is all I'm capable of normally; now is no different. Apathy is my only comfort. Sweet, sweet apathy...