Maybe Today

I should stop naming my posts after Carbon Leaf songs, because I'll run out of titles that way. Fortunately I've been choosing fairly wisely—they're all relevant, both in sound and partial lyrics. I'll have to go buy the rest of their albums.

I feel like a kite high in a tree
Is this where I'm suppose to be?
I wish I was a little boy
When love was taken care of
I know. I will say.
Maybe today.

It's like the feeling after my mother passed away. It's not the call that Wednesday night when Jeb and I were going to watch a movie. I went upstairs quietly before absolute loss. It's not that complete breakdown, either. The feeling reminds me so clearly of the days that followed, except I don't have people visiting us and making poor but genuine and appreciated attempts at comfort. The taste of consciousness is dull and bitter. Should I attempt mood control with music? I'm not sure if it would work. Why do events with significantly less social weight carry so much more emotionally, mentally? With that comparison, my difficulty breathing can't be shared with individuals whose bias I cannot trust for fear of mockery. I'll have to hide it somehow. I'll have to find the energy to concentrate on everything but the elephant in the room while I'm drowning (no, really drowning, not laughing).

Even worse, I'll have to keep face while in contact with the source of wonder and pain. Contact becomes public and impersonal instead of life; but I'm being pitiful, so I'll stop.

When will this feeling go away?
When will this feeling ever stay?
Maybe today.

See? Torn. We'll see how this plays out with the influences of my social situation and gaming schedule. This is a test of the emergency response system in the absence of First Responders. I've already fucked it up, though. As all posts are irreversible, my terrible disregard for creativity in style as well as my complete oblivion to potential future operations resulted in the previous post, an embarrassment to this establishment.

I'm trying so hard not to subscribe to Billy Pilgrim, but it's so appealing to dull the experience. Is it worth having fun if it means you need pain?