Get Stoned
The title this time is a song by Hinder, who I have recently become a fan of. It's sort of angry music, which is convenient, because that seems to be the remedy for my current mood—that, or getting stoned.
Everything has been working in my favor until recently; our Engineering project was going to work until it turned out the other groups in the class were not only completely incompetent, but also complete jackasses, and required us to implement their dysfunctional designs. Now it doesn't work, and that's not even what's frustrating me, because I can deal with stupid people. I have to; I used to teach dumbasses how to use computers for a "living".
In the lab, though, after a lot of the incompetence had left the room, is the trigger: it was a spawn of complete ignorance, and I can't even describe what it felt like. This one girl was trying to make a Your-Mom joke that wasn't funny, except she took it too far and said, "Your mom needs to be dead." It was, indeed, directed towards me. For a few seconds there, I legitimately felt hatred towards this creature which had earlier only annoyed me; it took all of my concentration to cut off the flow of negative emotions streaming out of wherever the source of emotions is into my brain. I don't hate people, as a general rule, and I still can't figure out why I still haven't forgiven her. It was an act of complete ignorance; she had no way of knowing (although that's why you're not supposed to say things like that), and therefore I can't really hold anything against her, other than that she's annoying.
And so I try to ignore this, and I'm walking around carrying this just under my breath, everyone thinks I have Tourette Syndrome because I'll walk into a room swearing like a sailor under my breath, just trying to relieve the stress that wants to boil over the top, just venting the pressure that's approaching the maximum, trying to keep things under control. So all this is on my mind.
One of my dear friends from home is struggling with an eating disorder, and I'm trying to understand her and her pain and what's going on in her head so that I can figure out how to fix her, essentially, because I don't like seeing her in such pain, and every time I think about her I can feel something, although it's probably not what she feels. But it hurts. And I talked to her this morning, less than two hours past midnight, and I was trying so hard to concentrate on something other than myself, but I couldn't, I guess because I'm a self-centered bastard. I couldn't juggle both of these at the same time, and on top of that I was trying to get Physics homework done, which did not happen. My solution was to pause the conversation and blast music as loud as I could without blowing the speakers in the headphones out, but even that didn't quiet my mind; I even forgot I was listening to music, because my head was so much louder, until someone touched me for my attention.
All this happens conveniently in finals week, when I have some significant work to do for Engineering, some tedious but perhaps enjoyable work for English, and some boring, mind-numbing bullshit for math. Furthermore, I'm expected to maintain a healthy social life, which is obviously going to be put aside until all this is done.
Well, I guess I'm done bitching now. I still can't figure out why forgiveness is coming so difficult; it's scaring me.
Peace out.
Everything has been working in my favor until recently; our Engineering project was going to work until it turned out the other groups in the class were not only completely incompetent, but also complete jackasses, and required us to implement their dysfunctional designs. Now it doesn't work, and that's not even what's frustrating me, because I can deal with stupid people. I have to; I used to teach dumbasses how to use computers for a "living".
In the lab, though, after a lot of the incompetence had left the room, is the trigger: it was a spawn of complete ignorance, and I can't even describe what it felt like. This one girl was trying to make a Your-Mom joke that wasn't funny, except she took it too far and said, "Your mom needs to be dead." It was, indeed, directed towards me. For a few seconds there, I legitimately felt hatred towards this creature which had earlier only annoyed me; it took all of my concentration to cut off the flow of negative emotions streaming out of wherever the source of emotions is into my brain. I don't hate people, as a general rule, and I still can't figure out why I still haven't forgiven her. It was an act of complete ignorance; she had no way of knowing (although that's why you're not supposed to say things like that), and therefore I can't really hold anything against her, other than that she's annoying.
And so I try to ignore this, and I'm walking around carrying this just under my breath, everyone thinks I have Tourette Syndrome because I'll walk into a room swearing like a sailor under my breath, just trying to relieve the stress that wants to boil over the top, just venting the pressure that's approaching the maximum, trying to keep things under control. So all this is on my mind.
One of my dear friends from home is struggling with an eating disorder, and I'm trying to understand her and her pain and what's going on in her head so that I can figure out how to fix her, essentially, because I don't like seeing her in such pain, and every time I think about her I can feel something, although it's probably not what she feels. But it hurts. And I talked to her this morning, less than two hours past midnight, and I was trying so hard to concentrate on something other than myself, but I couldn't, I guess because I'm a self-centered bastard. I couldn't juggle both of these at the same time, and on top of that I was trying to get Physics homework done, which did not happen. My solution was to pause the conversation and blast music as loud as I could without blowing the speakers in the headphones out, but even that didn't quiet my mind; I even forgot I was listening to music, because my head was so much louder, until someone touched me for my attention.
All this happens conveniently in finals week, when I have some significant work to do for Engineering, some tedious but perhaps enjoyable work for English, and some boring, mind-numbing bullshit for math. Furthermore, I'm expected to maintain a healthy social life, which is obviously going to be put aside until all this is done.
Well, I guess I'm done bitching now. I still can't figure out why forgiveness is coming so difficult; it's scaring me.
Peace out.
posted by Andrew Hills at 3:29 AM
1 Comments:
That's awful. Just remember that I cannot wait to see you and all of us again and that I would never say this sarcastically. Isn't that a bitch when you're not happy and you can't tell when people are being sarcastic? It is for me. I'm decently happy now (in the midst of a hellish paper) but Tufts is getting a little overburdensome. The naked quad run was a lot of fun (yes, I ran) but somebody committed suicide a few hours after it and I have to just wonder whether there's a connection between the naked run and the suicide or not, and if there is, then what's going on?? I kind of find myself hoping that that girl didn't go watch the run, because that would make it more explainable, but it's so unexplainable anyway and just ugh.
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